Love You DADA.

Day: Monday
Date: 10th November 2008
Venue: Vidarbha Cricket Association Ground, Nagpur.

As the sun goes down and the curtains fall over the first day of a new week the curtains also fall over the career of India’s most successful, bold and lion hearted cricket captain. Sourav Ganguly or DADA as we have fondly called him over the years.
I was one of the lucky few to have been at the ground to see him walk out for the last time to bat for India. The grit, the determination that we all have loved still intact on his ever so calm face. Me like a zillion others were hoping that he would get a hundred in his last test match to go with sizzling back to back to hundreds that he got in his first two tests, the first coming at the “Mecca of Cricket, Lords”. And after he got a brilliant 85 in the first innings expectations were high from him in the second innings. Sadly he got out on the first ball but the applause and the standing ovation that he got once again proved that a failure in his last test innings will not diminish the love we have for him. Yes, we all love Dada. And yes we have all hated him too at one point or the other. But the great champion that he is, he somehow managed to win over our hearts just like he won innumerable games for the country.
What makes him so special? What makes him tick? What makes him go out there time and again and prove his critics wrong? These were some of the questions that were going on in my mind as I saw him make the long walk from the pitch to the pavilion. And as he paused before entering the dressing room for the last time I knew I had my answers. He paused, turned around to look back at the ground for the last time and disappeared into the dressing room. It was the love of the game. It was raw passion and a hunger to perform. It was donning of India Colours that fired him up. It was the waving of the Tricolour that made him want to win each and every match. Agreed he did not have the talent of a Tendulkar or the technique of a Dravid but what he lacked in these departments he more than made up in the form of his grit, his determination and his never say never attitude. As for his cricketing abilities, its all summed up in a quote by his peer and friend, Rahul Dravid who once said that “On the off side first there is god and then there is Sourav Ganguly” Nothing can be said against such a statement, can it ?
No matter how many times he was down he always fought back. No matter how hard he fell he always was right back up. Who can forget the way he made his comeback after being dropped from the team. Or how can one not remember without getting misty eyed the way he lead the team to the world cup finals when the Indian team was not given any chance. Or for that matter the famous shirt waving at the Lords balcony. But my personal favourite incident of Dada will always remain something which happened off the cricket field. Infact far from it, it happened while shooting for an Adfilm for Pepsi for which he was the brand ambassador and I was his stylist(my high point of designing career). Most of the people still remember the ad and the way he says “Apne Dada ko bhoole toh nahi” still gives me the goosebumps. There was a undying love for the game, for the team and for the country there was something which went beyond love. You can watch the Ad here and know what I mean http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xFkJNlvtqYs&feature=related.
Its funny how he could so easily express his emotions and then bring them to life inspite of being a non actor. But I guess that happens when you do something straight from the heart. And one thing about Dada was that whatever he did, he did it straight from the heart. Or as he says from time to time “Direct dil se”. And that’s the reason why he has gone onto become one of the highest run getters in one day internationals adding to an impressive tally of over 7000 test runs too. And he wasn’t too bad with the ball either. He was Sachin’s surprise weapon against Pakistan in Toronto in 1996. In fact The Friendship Series should have been labeled The Sourav Series for the way he dominated not just one year but for all the five editions it was played. It was largely due to him that India won four times out of the five that series was played.
But to say that he is what he is only because of his exploits with the bat or the ball would be grossly unfair to the smart cricketing acumen that he has. Infact if anything, Dada will always be remembered for what he bought into Indian cricket with his unparalleled captaincy and man management skills. Under him match winning youngsters like Sehwag, Yuvraj, Kaif, Zaheer, Harbhajan and Irfan alongwith others were groomed and introduced into the team. And they responded splendidly by winning matches for the country thereby justifying his faith in them. And not only youngsters but seniors like Sachin(with whom he made the worlds best opening pair), Dravid(the duo of captain and vice captain was unparalleled in the world), Laxman and Kumble also reveled under his captaincy. Together with the team Dada made Team India a force to reckon with. Little things like a huddle at the start of the game and at the fall of every wicket, letting a player who has come up with match winning performance lead the team of the ground and encouraging a bowler going through a bad phase made him a favourite with seniors and juniors alike. Little things like him coming out to face a rampaging Brett Lee in the last few moments of 3rd day in the Melbourne test in 2003-04 instead of Sachin Tendulkar who was out for a zero in the first innings and was sitting on a pair proved that he was team man and did not hesitate to lead from the front or defend his team mates in their times of crisis. And the fact that he always put team before an individual contributed to his success. Be it dropping of another spinner for Harbhajan Singh before Australia’s tour or promoting Sehwag to open the innings with Sachin instead of himself showed that the Team is greater than the individual. A lot has been written about Ganguly’s intense rivalry with Steve Waugh but even Waugh had to admit that he was never confronted by someone like Dada.
Sourav Ganguly has been called a lot of names over the years like The God on Off Side, Most Lovable Son of Calcutta, The Prince of Kolkata, Maharaja, The Snooty Prince, etc but mine and I am sure a zillion others favourite would always be “DADA”. And as the great man bids adieu to the great game today I cant help but reminisce about the line “The Show Must Go On”. Someone will take his place in the team and in all possibility it will be someone who Dada himself has groomed but make no mistake, Dada will always be the opening batsman in our hearts along with Sachin Tendulkar on the other end, follwed by Rahul Dravid at no. 3, thrashing the bowlers all over the world.

THANK YOU MR. SOURAV GANGULY FOR ALL THE JOY AND PRIDE YOU HAVE GIVEN US. WE WILL ALWAYS MISS YOU. LOVE YOU.

Below are some articles written about “DADA” which I think you guys will enjoy reading. Have a look.

http://content-ind.cricinfo.com/magazine/content/story/377000.html

http://content-ind.cricinfo.com/magazine/content/current/story/377611.html

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/Opinion/Editorial/TOP_ARTICLE__He_Played_From_The_Heart/rssarticleshow/3692872.cms

http://cricket.timesofindia.indiatimes.com//NewsSpecial_playing_alongside_Ganguly_Tendulkar_Dravid_/articleshow/3575296.cms

http://content-ind.cricinfo.com/magazine/content/current/story/377452.html

http://shishir.mid-day.com/note/1306/hats-off-to-you-sourav.html

http://souravganguly.net/articles/2008/This%20innings%20has%20given%20me%20the%20most%20pain%20Sourav.htm

http://content-ind.cricinfo.com/magazine/content/story/372935.html


















Aussies beware !!!! Dada, Jammy and Sach on the eve of departure to Australia in 2003-04.

Awesome Threesome

Words of 13/14 year old.

Hmmmmm..... I dunno whether i am doing the smart thing by posting this but this is something thats very close to me and i wanted to share it with everyone. A lot of people might not like it and some may even think that the stuff here is very childish but please understand that this was written by 13 or 14 year old kid. But still i would love to know what you all think of it. So, here goes

1. Teri galiyon se duur ja raha hoon main,
Teri vafaon ke phool liye ja raha hoon main,
Ho mubarak tumhe yeh baharein,
Patjhad apne sang liye ja raha hoon main.

2. Tumhe chahna meri bhool thi,
Tumhe dhoondna meri bhool thi,
Jaanta tha tum patthar ki murat ho,
Tumhe poojna meri bhool thi.

3. Purani roshni aur nayi roshni mein fark itna hai,
Purani roshni aur nayi roshni mein fark itna hai,
isse saahil nahi milta, usse kinara nahi milta.

4. Saare zamane se aage hoon,
Guzre zamane se aage hoon,
Main kahan hoon yeh pata nahi,
Par kal jahan tha uss makam se aage hoon.

5. Jaise ishq mein hota hai,
Jaise husn mein hota hai,
Waise hi hum khak nasheenon ke,
Thokar pe zamaana hota hai.

6. Dosti rishta nahi,
Mazhab hai, imaan hai,
Yaar ki yaari khuda hai,
Toh dushmani shaitan hai.

7. Kisi se kya shikva karein,
Yeh toh kismat ki baat hai,
Jinhe hum dil se chahte the,
Woh toh gairon ke paas hain.

8. Mere chehre se kafan hata do,
Aadat hai mujhe muskurane ki,
Intezaar kar raha hoon main apne,
Mehboob ke aane ki.

9. Tum doli mein jaana,
Hum paidal hi aayenge,
Sharab ko banayenge apni humsafar,
Aur tumko bhool jaayenge.

10. Kiya tha pyar humne bhi,
Yeh humein hi maloom hai,
Zindagi mein aane se pehle hi,
Woh humein rusva kar gaye.

11. Tum meri zindagi mein aa na saki,
Mayyat par aa jana,
Lash intezar karegi,
Kaffan chada jaana.

12. Zindagi ka kya bharosa,
Iss jahan mein doston,
Maut peeche lagg gayi,
Jis din se paidaish hui.

And Finally....

She was beautiful, she was shy,
I still remember her, don't know why.
I could see her gleam in the sunshine,
I even tried to give her a smile.
But she had already crossed a mile.
I know i was late,
But then couldnt she wait ?
She had the look of an angel,
And the sweet innocence was her only jewel.
Never could i see her again,
Its passed winter, summer and rain.
I only hope she comes back someday,
For, then I'll surely have something to say.
She was beautiful, she was shy.
I still remember her, don't know why ?

Ok, let the brickbats come in...

Trying to bid adieu.

Heard a song some time ago which is so true in my context. The lines were:
Baatein bhool jaati hain,
Yaadein yaad aati hain,
Yeh yaadein kisi dil-o-jaanam ke,
Chale jaane ke baad aati hain…..

Strange are the ways of this mind. I had decided that tonight when I start to write I will start on a new journey altogether. My first fictional post. But as I started typing instead of the STORY out came the reality. The stark reality of my life. Why? Well, same ole same ole... Memories.
Life was going on at its nice steady way until today. Today morning, when the floodgates opened and memories just rushed in. Why? Dunno. But what I know is they hurt. They cause pain and they bring tears and dull the otherwise “shining eyes”. Shining eyes, oh yes these eyes did shine sometime. They weren’t always these dull and sad. My best friend of forever always used to tell me that whenever I spoke of her she saw a sparkle in my eye. And it was true. I remember I used to be so happy whenever I spoke of her. And I still feel happy thinking about her. But even that happiness comes at a price. With every happy memory is linked a memory that hurts. For every smile there is a tear. For every grin there is a frown. And now I refuse to pay that price. I don’t want to cry after a smile. Don’t want to wake up with a nightmare after the dream. Friends think that i just torture myself by going through all of this every now and then. So i have finally decided not to torture myself again n again.
But how? How do I rid myself of these demons that still haunt me after all these years? And why? Why do these memories come back every now and again? How does the torture end ? Is it so difficult to bury the ghosts of the past? Every time I lie on the bed I think of the moments spent with her on that bed. The mad moments, the crazy ones, the ones where we did not say even a word to each other but yet felt like a story of lifetime had passed between us. Every time I drive I think of a drive we took together. When for the first time she smoked a cigarette in front of me. That was so damned cute. Every time I pour myself a drink I remember the evening when she came to my place and gulped down my vodka bottoms up coz she was “so annoyed”. And how can I forget the crazy “me on the terrace, she in her balcony” rendezvous. Dunno how many gifts have been given to her like that and how many conversations filled with insanity have happened like that. That was life. Now I hate going on the terrace. I hate everything that reminds me of her. But the fact remains that whatever I do reminds me of her. Even writing, something that I used to do even before her, brings back memories of her. After all wasn’t she the one who urged me to start writing again? I still remember the first time I picked up a pen (that time blogging was still alien to me) after ages and wrote my first few lines of “fiction”. It was the shabbiest piece of writing I could have come up with but still she thought that I wrote like an accomplished writer. So to a large extent if anyone deserves credit for these posts, it’s her. Had she not encouraged me to keep writing back then I don’t think I would have touched a pen and paper or the computer again. So in a way I owe her a lot.
But again, till date, whenever I sit to write be it these posts or the story (started working on it simultaneously) it brings back the memories and the pain. Which brings me back to the same ole question, how do I rid myself of these memories? Honest to goodness I have tried everything possible. Thrown away or discarded everything that she ever gave me (well, almost everything). Tried going out with other women as well. Even tried to get into a serious relationship. God dammit I even deleted all my favourite music coz even she liked it. But nothing works. And after everything failed I tried my last shot. I immersed myself so much into work that I just don’t have the time for anything else. No time for memories, no time for pain. Well, it works but only till the time I am working. But once I hit the sack memories come rushing back. What do I do now? Is there no respite for the good ole me? What have I done to deserve this? Is loving somebody a crime for which the punishment is life like journey through hell and back everyday?
I tried talking to her also and told her my situation. She thinks that I just need her or I am just used to her. Is this love or is this need or am I just used to her? Has to be love only, coz I am sure I don’t need anybody, can’t need anybody like this. And I am bloody well not used to her coz I am going through with my routine life quite nicely. That too without her. I don’t deny the fact that most of my nights are spent thinking of her. The “sleeping beauty” of the house has been replaced by the zombie who functions on 2 hours of sleep everyday. But other than that life has slowly but surely gotten back on track. Except for the memories (ok, don’t strangle me now for coming back on the same track. After all wasn’t that the purpose of this post), it hurts when they come back. Work goes for a toss. Social commitments are forgotten. Friends are forgotten. 2 hours of sleep are replaced by 2 weeks of insomnia which again result in more memories and hence more tears. Sometimes I wish that I just keep crying till there are no more tears left (is that possible). Sometimes I feel like going for a long walk to the land of no return. But something tells me that these bloody memories will haunt me there also.
As I was reminded sometime ago:
Baatein bhool jaati hain,
Yaadein yaad aati hain,
Yeh yaadein kisi dil-o-jaanam ke,
Chale jaane ke baad aati hain…..
Till the next memory… Adios…..

Our Children: Our Future.

I met a friend today. Sitting in a café we were discussing a lot of things including her college. And she told me a very interesting thing. Juniors in her college indulge in eve teasing. Guys tease the girls, even seniors and girls dress up like beauty queens(I am being kind) to attract the maximum attention from, you guessed right, guys. That got me thinking and I knew I had the “masala” for my next post. This post is dedicated to all of us, who were once children. And I think its very relevant in times like today. Today, when everything happens so quickly. Everything, including growing up. Seems as if kids of today are born as adults. They don’t want a football or a cricket bat for entertainment. They want the latest mobile phones, the latest play station and the hottest dates. Nothing wrong in that. But isn’t there a time for everything? I remember when we were kids it was all about fun and games. Games like football, cricket, kho kho, hide n seek. Anything that required us to be out of the house, up and playing. Anything the required us to scream, get dirty and sometimes even fight. Computers were scary things that were meant to be used by dad for his work and sometimes cross check those stupid math problems. Gadgets like Play station or video games were meant only for curfew days. Days, when we were grounded because the school teacher complained of our assignments being not on time. Mobile phones were a pure luxury and not a toy like it is for the kids today. School was a different matter altogether. For some it was as sacred as a temple (ya ya… I knew that variety too) and for others (like me) it was a place where we could meet friends and have fun while getting educated. Education was of paramount importance but we made sure we got our daily fill of sports. Sure we had female friends too but they were just that, friends. Nothing more nothing less. Some were as good as the guys and hence they were buddies. There wasn’t any place for girl friends(i.e. romance), alcohol or even cigarettes. Drugs and sex were out of the question. We did not even know what marijuana or hash was. And words like making out or fondling were alien to us. And today I see 12 year olds dressed up like King Elvis(pun intended) going out to meet their girl friends. Stealing their dads car keys so that they can get a bit of “privacy” with their girlfriends. I remember, I had my first kiss at the age of 15 (which was considered to be VERY EARLY at that time) and was too scared to tell my friends about it. Not because it was bad or wrong but because I was scared that I would be banned from my group of friends. It was considered a taboo back then.
Back then.. it sounds so far of and distant when actually it was just a few years ago, maybe a decade. But in reality it seems like a time as ancient as stone age or the age of the Neanderthal man. What has changed in the past decade? By the looks of it, nothing. I mean, babies are still born with their eyes closed and fists clenched. Not with a pair Gucci or prada sunglasses adorning their eyes. The doctor still slaps their butt to make them cry ascertaining everything is ok. Well, these are some things that wont be changing for a long time (or maybe they already have, I dunno) but what has changed is the outlook of parents towards their kids and the definition of “best”. Every parent in this whole wide world wants nothing but the best for their child. From the moment the child is conceived to the moment it enters the world he/she is given the best possible care and protection according to the social strata of parents. Nothing wrong in that. The child deserves it. And nothing wrong in it even after the child is born. That’s the time when he/she needs the maximum care and protection to survive. But what about the time when the child is around 5-6 years old. I mean, he can talk a bit now, walk and even play. Do the parents need to keep running behind the child? I don’t think so. But yet you see so many parents still running around their kid with a glass of milk or the food plate in hand. Isn’t that when the spoiling of the child begins?? Today if a child is getting bored the mom or dad will just turn on the TV and give the kid the remote. Anybody bothers to check what he/she is watching? As we all know there is a lot of thrash appearing on TV these days. What if the child is watching that? Aren’t we kinda exposing him/her to nudity/porn at a very tender age? When the child starts going to school before the bag a mobile phone is thurst into his hand so that he/she can call mom or dad in case of distress. But anybody checked the lewd texts being exchanged with his fellow classmates? Not really. Why? Coz mum n dad are too busy in their own lives to check on the “apple of their eye”. Today if a child wants to play he is provided with a computer or a video game to sit and play in the house. But has anyone taken care to check if the child is actually playing a game on the computer and not surfing porn? Every body has a life to live including the parents but are they so busy that they cant spare 30 minutes in a day to talk to their children? Too busy to tell them what’s right and what’s wrong? Dammit if you were so busy why the hell did you make time to have the kid in first place? Or is it, as a sweetheart friend pointed out, that all these expensive gadgets and toys a nothing but an alternative provided by parents so that the child doesn’t demand much of their time? As the human race has progressed the demands made on our time has just kept increasing. A normal family can barely survive on the mans income alone. So the lady also has to work and hence spending time with the child becomes a little difficult. Difficult but not impossible. As my friend rightly pointed out during our times too both the parents were working and had stressful lives but they made sure the kids got the required time of them. They were always there when we needed their help with a difficult math problem. Mom was always around to checkup on the English assignment. No matter how tired he was dad was always game for few cricket hits in the park. I don’t remember my mom telling me to eat outside or in the canteen coz she was too busy to pack our lunch boxes. And believe me these things however small or insignificant they may seem helped in making me and my brother like so many of our generation become the kind of men or women we are today. And I think we have done all right for ourselves. Ok, I am not for a moment saying that all the parents of today don’t have time for their kids. Please don’t get me wrong. There are still hordes of people who spend quality time with their kids. Are there for them when kids really need them. Take pleasure in playing with their kids. I for a fact know of so many women who have sacrificed their growing careers so that they can look after their kids. I bow down to them in respect. I have no doubt that their children will turn out to be fine ladies/gentlemen who will not only excel in their professions but will also become nice human beings. But unfortunately such a number is receding and receding very quickly. In this mad race of reaching somewhere a lot of people have sacrificed on the time they spend with their kids. My father has only one reply whenever me or my brother ask him why does he have to work so hard? He says I am doing it for you, my children. I would like to believe that is the case with each and everybody. But aren’t they sort of ruining all their hard work by not giving their kids the time they need. As my friend rightly pointed out the child will one day turn around and say “I am ready to give up the video games and the computer but will you then have the time for me? Will you take me to the park to play?” That’s the big question, do we have time for our children? Don’t we always take the easier way out? We do. They just give them the remote and then………… then what? Who cares if the child is watching porn, violence, gore or anything else? I shudder to think what the child who has been exposed to such stuff at a very tender age will grow into. A rapist, a murderer or a drug addict? Is that what you want your future doctor/engineer/banker/businessman turning into? If the answer is no then your options are very limited. You have to sit down with the little one, spend time with him/her and explain the rights and the wrongs, the must-dos and the avoid like plague. Just the way your folks did. Which in turn made you the fine man/woman you are.

Demolition & Resurrection.

Flashback to year 1992. I was in school and she was my classmate. She was the topper of the class and I barely managed to clear my exams. She was the first bencher and I the last bencher. She was the teacher’s favourite and I did not even exist. Her favourite activity was solving math problems and mine was coming up with new ways to disrupt class. We were the complete opposites of each other. We couldn’t see eye to eye on topics like behavior in class, clean uniforms, homework and least of all discipline. But she also was the woman for me. I loved her and she loved me too. We were the “beauty and the beast” of the school. The princess and the ogre. We were as different as chalk and cheese. But yet we were together. We were happy. Content. Life couldn’t have been better for Two 14 year old kids in love. I still don’t know what she saw in me though. She always said that behind every prank lies a very intelligent brain. And she was determined to get mine on the “right” track. Cute naa... but like all good things even this had to end. And it did. In the summer of 1996 she left me for my best friend who ironically was introduced to her by me. After 4 long years the dream ended and the nightmare began. Suddenly life took a U turn. Fizzy drinks were replaced by alcohol. Smile turned into frown. Tears dried up, even the happy ones. Friends who tried to talk sense into my head were shown the door and not politely. Alcohol and drugs were my new best friends. And then something happened. A new phase began. Phase in which there was alcohol, drugs and sex galore. Women, once revered and respected were treated with utter disdain. They were played with, slept with and dumped. Sometimes mercilessly. The cute and sweet boy was replaced with the bad playboy. The demolition of me was complete.
But as they say after demolition comes resurrection. And it did come. It came in the year 2002 in the form of yet another woman. My reputation as a bad boy was growing with every passing day and yet somehow it didn’t seem to matter to her. or atleast that’s what it seemed then. We started meeting everyday. Initially she was No. 51 for me. The bad boy in me was just interested in getting her to bed. That was always the criteria with every woman for me. But something was different here. Seemed as if there was a divine power which was holding me back. I know she wouldn’t have stopped me but strangely enough I was stopping myself. Why? After all these years I still ponder over that question. What was it about her that I did not want to sleep with her but take her in my arms and hold her for eternity? Why did I want to protect her from all the world? Agreed she was the sweetest woman I had come across in a long time but so what? Aren’t sweet and cute girls meant to be played around with? It wasn’t as if I was a saint. Infact far from it. I was the Satan reincarnated. Nothing should have stopped me but something did. What did, I shall never know. But I remember very clearly, slowly but steadily I was thawing. The layers were coming off slowly. First the drugs and then the alcohol went away. And finally the women also. The smile was coming back too. I started enjoying music again. The friends who were deserted were bought back. My apologies were accepted. I started to live again. The good boy was coming out of hibernation. The resurrection if not complete had begun.
And then when she finally professed her love for me the resurrection was complete. The good boy was back and how. I was stronger than ever. I had more faith than ever. I loved more than before. And I was honest again. A trait that I loved about myself and missed terribly during the satanic phase.
And then the dream ended. They say what goes around comes around. It did. I was dumped mercilessly once more. Seems like I was paying the price for all my misdeeds with the various women who entered my life before her. I was again left in the middle of the sea without a shore in sight. All my strength was taken away in an instant. The faith was shattered. And this time around the pain was worse than before. I wanted to kill myself. But I lived. Why? I don’t know. Then began the entire process of demolition once again. Drugs came back as did the booze. And women followed. I knew what I was doing was wrong. But what do you do when you have nothing or no one to turn to. I had put everything I had in this relationship and when it ended it felt like being stark naked in the middle of the highway. So I put on the layers again. Druggie, alcoholic, womanizer and “the man who doesn’t care a fuck” were the layers that hid my nakedness in public. But when I was alone I was naked again. And when you are stripped to the soul you are vulnerable. And that isn’t such a nice thing when everybody was trying to hurt you. Yes, that’s what I thought that everybody including my friends and family were against me. So the distancing process began again.
The demolition man was at it again….. But I was determined not to let him destroy me like he did the last time. So after a sorry and solitary period of one month I was determined to make amends. Apologies were made and were accepted yet again. Sure the sun seemed hot instead of warm, colors seemed a little faded and music seemed like noise but the layers of drugs and sex were being discarded and a mask of happiness and playfulness was put on instead. But again the mask seemed to come of when ever I was alone and the scars showed. And they hurt. And I think once or twice the mask slipped in front of the people who loved me, my parents and my friends. I couldn’t let them see the scars of being rejected yet again. Some thing had to give way and it did.
I was tired. Tired of putting up a brave front. Tired of lying to everyone about my well being. I was hurt and I was in pain. And I couldn’t handle it alone by myself. I needed someone, someone who wouldn’t ask questions to which I did not have any answers. Someone who knew that I was weak. I needed a friend. So I asked for one. And lo behold she was there. It seemed as if everything was alright again. She was there when I needed her. I remember it was the month of September 2006 and it seemed like the most beautiful time of year. The gorgeous smell of wet earth was all around. Flowers were blooming again. And romance was definitely in the air. Everything seemed perfect. I had told her about everything that I did and she told me of her dreams. We talked. Held hands. We spent time with each other. It seemed perfect. I was starting to be happy again. We found our happiness in the smallest of things. This time there was no greed for time. I was content with a few moments with her. There was a visible change in me. The playboy was replaced with a flirt who made people laugh all the time. I used to be the joker of the pack and I was back as that. The winter of 2006 and the summer of 2007 have to be one of the happiest periods of my life. I shall always cherish them and look back at them fondly. But behind this cheerfulness and happiness was also a strict resolve. A resolve to hold firm. A resolve to not fail. And a steely determination to make this last. I had learnt from my past mistakes and I wasn’t going to repeat them. I promised myself that the pain of separation would not touch my life ever again. Was I asking for too much?
Seemed so. Coz it happened. The joy of togetherness was short lived. Come winter and the cracks began to appear. Lies began to rear their ugly head. Promises turned out to be empty. Trust was being betrayed. Insecurity was creeping in once again. Time meant for each other was spent with acquaintances. Ego started creeping in. I became important than “US”. The relationship that used to be the top priority started feeling like a burden. We started fighting. Not arguments but real fights. Tears were shed but they did not make any difference. We were heading towards separation and in spite of knowing it we did not do anything to avoid it. Today when I look back at it I wonder if a little bit of patience or understanding from either of us could have saved the relationship. I have always believed in taking the best shot at everything in life but I don’t know if I played my best shot in this case. And how could things be different? All these answers shall remain unknown now. The list of unknowns just keeps growing, doesn’t it?
The list did not end with my relationship. Infact a whole new page was being scripted as the end of the relationship drew nearer. I was expecting pain again. I was expecting to break down yet again, to hurt, to cry and to bleed. But miraculously that never came. The pain lasted only for a brief moments. The loneliness did not bother me. My heart bled but the bleeding stopped before it could coz the weakness. This wasn’t usual. There was something wrong with me. I don’t feel the pain, the hurt, the sting or the loss. And neither do I feel the love around me. Rains don’t give me the joy anymore. Flowers aren’t beautiful anymore. Music once an integral part of my life has been reduced to a way of killing time. Something had died. Something important. Something that appreciated the good things in life and wasn’t materialistic. Something that lived and breathed. That something was me. Yes, I died. Agreed I still walk around in flesh and blood. But is that the only sign of life? Isn’t life much more than just breathing?
Why doesn’t it hurt today? How can I get over my pain so easily? The pain that gave me sleepless nights actually seduces me today. Am I turning into a sadist who revels in pain? A person who enjoys pain rather than happiness. I was determined not to let anything destroy me again. So I steeled myself from everything that could make me vulnerable. I did not let anything affect me. But wasn’t this a form of destruction too? I destroyed the very thing that I set out to protect. My destruction that began in the year of 1996 was finally complete in the year of 2007. But as they say, AFTER DESTRUCTION COMES RESURRECTION. Throw your meanest challenge. I am ready to be destroyed again only to be resurrected again.
LIFE… HERE I COME ONCE AGAIN… Bring it on…

My Brothers Wedding.

Hellos to all you wonderful people out there. And to the two wonderful women who actually bother to comment a huge muaaaaaaaaah…. Keep commenting ;)
As you might have already guessed today I am very happy the reasons being, I am with my family, the people whom I love the most. The more I think about it, I realize how much I love them and miss being with them when I am not around. So imagine my utter surprise when I walked in home and saw that not only my immediate cousins but also a couple of my extended cousins were home. Ok, not to welcome me (though that would have been the perfect cherry on the cake) but to watch the videos of my brothers wedding (he got married on 19th April, remember to congratulate him next year). Big deal, the most important thing was they all were here and I was happy. And I give all the credit for this happiness to my little brother and the most amazingly sweet woman I have ever come across, my sister in law. If there was ever a perfect example for a nice, warm, humble, simple and down to earth human being it has to be her.
As you guys must be knowing my folks don’t stay together for the last 4 ½ -5 years so there have been only 4 men living in this house. Dad, me, my brother and chottu. When the house is filled with 4 men you can imagine its chaos throughout. Though dad has done his best trying to discipline us but being the brats we are (especially me) its kinda difficult to control us completely. So I was kinda apprehensive when my brothers wedding was fixed and by the time the D-day approached my brain was doing somersaults with tension and a bit of fear. Call it being selfish but I don’t think I was ready to accept a woman in my house. To be completely honest I still am a little guarded. But I am sure she being the woman she is very soon I will be able to put my guard down.
What kinda woman is she? According to me she is everything a woman should be. Smart, intelligent, funny and honest. My brother is one hell of a lucky guy to find her. And hey, she is very lucky too. My brother is a charming rogue. Someone who can sweep you of your feet in a matter of seconds. In more ways than one, he is everything that I am not. A complete sweet talker, unabashedly rougish(in a charming way) and shamelessly flirtatious. He can make you laugh in a matter of seconds. A darling who will win your heart in an instant. All I can say is that theirs is a match made some where up above with the blessings of him. Thank you so much brother and dear sister in law for giving me these moments that I will treasure till my end. God bless both of you.
Anyways, coming back to today, I realised one thing, that real happiness doesn’t lie in big things but in small and little things. Today I realised that one big day will not you give you a lifetime full of happiness but little things done every day will. Its very easy to do something special occasionally but small things done with love and passion every single day will you give happiness that will be envious. I realised it today while watching the videos that inspite of my foot being broken and me ending each day in tremendous pain I was happy with my little efforts gone in the wedding preparations. I remember I had decided to do a dance for my brothers engagement and at the end of it he came and hugged me. It felt as if in that hug we gave and took each other a piece of our heart. It was magical, I cant explain what I felt. But it seemed as if we strengthened a bond that we carried from our mothers womb. I have never been someone who could express my feelings. I just cant talk. Always been like that even with family. But I promise myself, that henceforth I will make whatever effort it takes on my part to be connected with my family.
Its funny how a commitment phobic guy like me can actually think of having a family. Agreed I always wanted to get married since childhood but ever since mom n dad separated I have been slightly scared of it too. But maybe, just maybe that fear is slowly evaporating. Maybe I am getting ready. I love the whole concept of weddings. Find or choose a person you want to spend the rest of life with. Commit to him/her and honour it with what ever it takes. Kinda romantic isn’t it? Its just that I am scared of it. But honest to goodness I have never seen dad happy like this. He was glowing. His face could have lit up the park my brother got married in. and I would like to believe that the smile would be bigger and better on my wedding. Trust me, that’s a good enough reason for me to get married.

Maa

OK... I am back and shaken to the core. Shaken, stirred and god knows what else. This is not a post but a comment to very dear friends post on "Maa". (Mom for the uninitiated and thats also what i call my mom). No words are enough to describe what that post bought out or made me feel. Dunno about the rest of the world but as i read it i could feel a lump rise in my throat. She spoke of the innumerable times when knowingly or unknowingly we have left our mom alone and gone on to do some other thing. Something as trivial as gone out for a smoke when she wanted to sit and talk to us for five minutes. And thats not all, god only knows how many times we have just shown disrespect to her. Left the food at the table coz we did not like it. Have we ever thought how much hard work and love has gone into it ? Guess not. We think we know everything but we also forget that practically she is much senior to us and much more experienced than us. And emotionally, well, i dont know of anyone who would love us more than our mothers. No one has and no will. Even Ravan's mother thought that he was the best child she could ever have. Thats a mother.

The post in response to i am writing this is something which everyone can relate to coz inevitably we all have done something or the other like this. Me more than others and today more so because my mom doesnt stay with me anymore. Today when i walk into my house after a long day at work there is no warm hand to caress my forehead. Trust me the house feels cold even on hot summer day. Today when i come back from the gym there is no one to tell me that sit and drink water or your stomach will hurt (it inevitably does). And there are many such things that i remember but cant write all of them. And these are the same things i used to frown at when she said over and over again. Was i stupid ? Most definitely yes. And arrogant too. Just the way you are. I remember the day when i found that my parents had decided to go their separate ways and mom had decidedto move out. I still hoped that maybe things would work out but they did not and one fine day she was gone. All was left of her was a note for me that she will always love me and my brother. That was it. The thing about moms is that its always very simple for them. Their children are their world, their universe. THATS IT... No rocket science in it. For them the sun rises and sets with their kids. Their shonna's... The sad part is we never realise this until its too late. Women, maybe once they become a mother. But men, well, a different story altogether. I am sorry mom, I hope that i dont repeat the mistakes that i have made. As they say its never too late to repent.

When was the last time we had time for the woman who sacrificed her being for us. She carried us in her for 9 months, fed us through her, went through to immeasurable amount of pain just to bring us in this world. Made sure we were shielded from every harm. And if this is how we repay her, then shame on us. We dont deserve to be called humans. Every year we celebrate mothers day. My question is, does the woman who has done so much for us and will continue doing so till the end of her time deserve to be relegated to only a day in a year ? Mothers day, mothers week or even a mothers year doesnt do her justice. She deserves much more than that. How about a life time ? Thats only deserving because she has given hers for us. Cant we even do that much for her ? Think about it..........

Memoirs of a Different Life.

Hey... I am back and how... broken, distraught, tired and very vulnerable. Not the traits of a strong man I claim to be. As I sit and write this in a nice comfortable room I know I am anything but comfortable. The memories that I thought I had pushed away, the ones I thought were from a different lifetime are back. Back like the ghosts of past to haunt me, to take my sleep away just the way they did all those years ago. Those were the dark days, days of horror, days of terror. Terror unleashed by me. Horror brought upon by me on someone who was perhaps the most delicate, the most vulnerable, the most gentle woman I had ever come across. And to such a woman I was the devil reincarnated. Why? Coz I was insecure. Insecure about a woman who I believe loved me like no one else did. I tried to take away one thing that she had, her freedom. And what did I get? This pain, this loneliness, this never ending dark night. Trust me, I got what I deserved. I have never been able to talk about it. Guess I am too weak to talk about my mistakes or the biggest crime that I could ever commit. Trying to take somebody’s freedom is worse than killing that person. Especially if the person loves you. Today by writing about it I try to repent. I know it’s too late. She is gone. Gone from my life. I don’t think I exist for her. But she does for me. How can I forget my biggest teacher? The woman who thought me the importance of being a nice human being. Why am I thinking about this woman? Coz of “The Notebook” by Nicholas Sparks. Had heard a lot about it so picked it up day before. Read about half of the book and it bought back memories of a love that ended a bit too soon. I hope this book has a happy ending. Love stories should always have happy endings. Unlike mine. Or maybe who knows, mine might also be a happy ending. As it was said in a film recently “picture ke end mein sab kuch theek ho jata hai. Aur agar theek na ho toh samjho ke yeh the end nahi hai. Picture abhi baaki hai mere dost”. Shayad meri picture ka bhi “the end” abhi baaki hai. Hope lives on.
We stayed in the same complex so we knew of each others existence but we never shared anything more than a formal hi and bye before that evening. That evening... I was sitting at home bored to death. Doing zilch. Surfing the internet randomly. Smoking, killing time. Then I remembered I had to go and clear out the mailbox. Also I had finally run out of cigarettes. Thought of going down stairs to get smokes as well the mail. Coming back home I saw that amongst my mails was a letter that did not belong to me. It was addressed to her and had her telephone no. too. As bored as I was I thought of a stupid prank. I dialed the no. printed on the envelope and asked for her. Gave a false name too (she knew my real name, you see) thought I would just talk to her for sometime, kill time and that would be it. I did speak to her for over half n hour that evening. Thoroughly enjoyed and entertained myself. Gee… that conversation was good. I knew I would be doing that again. Next day I called her from office. And so on and so forth the chain of calls began. She still did not know my real identity. I was some random guy called rohan for her. That was the beginning of a nice friendship. A friendship that began with a lie. Being old fashioned that I am one fine day I finally mustered up the courage and told her about myself. Or maybe she just recognized me. Dunno. Don’t remember. Anyways my real identity was in front of her.
I was expecting her to stop talking to me but to my surprise it did not make a difference to her. Boy, was I glad… and then we started meeting. We stayed in the same neighborhood and I used to be home alone in the evenings so it was easy for her to come over. I don’t think we knew what we were getting into.
I remember very clearly that evening she was very sleepy but I insisted on her coming over so she came. But she was tired. As she sat on the bed in my room I could see that she was falling asleep so I just told her to put her head on my shoulder and sleep. She did just that. That was the first time I had been so close to her. I put my arm around her waist. The first time I ever held her, touched her. Felt as if some kind of electric current had just passed through me. We stayed in that position for god knows how long. Didn’t want to let her go. Wanted to hold her forever. I so badly wanted to kiss her. Wanted to feel her. But was afraid too. Finally it was time for her to leave. And I guess something must have stirred in her as well coz after that she hugged me. That was the first time she had ever hugged me and it was magical to say the least. Thinking about that hug still gives me Goosebumps. We hugged quite a few times after that day but it was never quite the same. Or atleast till the last hug. Guess she reserved the best for the first and the last time ;)
Anyways after that day we started meeting almost everyday. She used to come home every evening. I knew she was in love with me but I wasn’t. honestly speaking I think I fell in love almost 5-6 months after that evening. Ok, I might have bad things in me by the truckload but there are a few positive things too. Like the fact that I cannot make love if I am not in love. Just cant do it. Either I have to be in love or I have to be piss drunk to make love to a woman. That’s the way I am. Anyways, we were really close to each other. Both physically and emotionally. I could never talk to anyone the way I spoke to her. I could be stupid, mad, intelligent, corny and even plain dumb with her without being judged. There was this comfort that I found in her arms whenever I wanted it. There was this acceptance that I so badly craved for. And there was this solitude that I needed. I was falling in love and loving every moment of it. She called every half hour and no matter what I would be doing I had to answer it. I loved it in the beginning but slowly I started getting annoyed by it. To be fair to me anybody would. And I told her that. One thing about her that I found out much later was the fact that she always remembered. Whatever it was, good, bad, ugly, gorgeous, it was stored in that little brain of hers. Today I really crave for a call from her. But its not there. Previously when I called she would make time for me, today she is too busy. I deserve it. When we were together we were at our silliest best. I remember one night after being sufficiently drunk I argued with her about making orange milkshake. The poor thing kept insisting that orange milkshake cannot be made and I insisted that I had a recipe for it which I was going to patent soon, no less. Has to be one of the silliest conversations of a lifetime. Infact it was so silly that it cant be reproduced here. She was no less too. Once madam had to complete a work assignment which went into late night and finally early morning. Madame insisted that I accompany her on the phone. I ended up singing songs on the phone till 4.30 in the morning. And then there were innumerable conversations regarding the moon (her best buddy and my sworn enemy. I told you I was the jealous types ;) ) conversations, conversations and more conversations. That had to be the best part of our relationship. We could talk about anything under the sun. In more ways than one I guess she helped me become the extrovert I am from the introvert I was. I was in love.
And then suddenly it all changed. I knew from the outset that I wasn’t the first guy in her life and neither was she the first girl in my life. Both of us had quite a reputation amongst the opposite sex. Inspite of all this I knew that she was the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. I knew I was faithful to her. Pity I couldn’t trust her. Tongues started wagging regarding her meeting other guys. Her ex’s. Some new male friends. I grew uncomfortable. But I did not tell her about it. I still don’t know whether I did the right thing about not telling her or no. too late to think about it I guess. But because of that I grew insecure. Insecure to the point where I started questioning her about her whereabouts. Where she was? With whom was she? And to make matters worse she wasn’t completely honest with me either. Know of atleast a few occasions when she did lie to me. The whole trust and faith on which our relation was based was shaking. And I did not like it one bit. I wanted her. Wanted to be with her. Unfortunately she misunderstood it as that I wanted to possess her. I never got around to clearing that misunderstanding. Those last two months were pure torture. Pain like I had never experienced before. Every waking moment was spent thinking about her. And that hurt. I was convinced that she was cheating on me. And I couldn’t bear that. No man or woman can bear that. The respect, the love, the adoration that I had for her was going in a wisp of smoke. i couldn’t bear the pain of being away from her. And the fact that even she had reached her boiling point wasn’t helping. She hung in there with me till it got very difficult. But after a point even she couldn’t take it. The woman who I thought was my strength was deserting me at the very time when I needed her. my strength was going. I was falling weak. I turned to drugs, alcohol, cigarettes. And when even they didn’t help I tried to kill myself. Guess even god hated me for torturing his favourite child so even he refused to take me in. I was to face this right here, all alone. No amount of friends could help. But I pulled through. How? I don’t know. Seems like that time just passed in a daze. There is absolutely no memory of that time. There was only the truth, my romance with an angel was over. The insecure devil in me pushed her away. Maybe there was no devil. It was just me. But its always easier to blame it on someone else. Isn’t it ?

Before I go, I have to reproduce the lines from “The Notebook” that bought her memories to the fore front. here goes.
The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected. Maybe they always have been and always will be. Maybe we’ve lived a thousand lives before this one and in each of them we have found each other. And maybe each time we have been forced apart for the same reason. That means that this goodbye is both, a goodbye for those thousands of years as well as a prelude of things to come.
When I look at you, I see your beauty and grace and know they have grown stronger with every life you have lived. And I know, I have spent every life before this one searching for you. Not someone like you, but you. For your soul and mine must always come together. And then, for a reason neither of us understands, we have been forced to say goodbye.
I would love to tell you that everything will workout for us, and I promise to do all I can to make sure it does. But if we never meet again and this is truly goodbye, I know we will see each other again in another life. We will find each other again, and maybe the stars will have changed, and we will not only love each other in that time, but for all the times we have had before.

Confused (Part 2)

The remaining of the day passed without any hiccups. Meetings, schedules, deadlines to be met. Well, they are a part of a businessman's day. Anyways, finally i got through my day and the clock struck 6. My day was coming to a close but the evening was still there. And also i had to make the all important call to veena. I told her that i will call but is it really possible ? I cant call her. She is too perfect to be true. I am scared. I am shivering.
Three cups of coffee and 5 cigarettes are good enough to calm anyones nerves (and ofcourse give you cancer) but not mine. My nerves were like wildfire. Nothing could calm them. 6.00, 6.30, 7.00, 7.30 and finally 8.00. It was time for me to go home. Was just packing my bag. With a heavy heart i walked towards the bus stop when suddenly the cell rang. And it was flashing the most beautiful name i had know, Veena. Did she know that i wouldnt call and hence decide to call ? What was it about her that even her name would make me weak in my knees. What do i tell her ? What do i talk to her about ? Should i cut the call ? I answered. And then music filled my ears. Her voice was was like symphony of orchestra. Every word was like a melody sending waves through my body. No nerves. No panic. I was at ease. I was in trance. And in that trance i agreed to meet her for dinner the following night. I knew i was in love. And i wasnt scared.
The remaining of the night passed in a daze. I still couldnt believe i was gonna meet her again.
I dont think i got any sleep that night coz i woke up with a heavy head and red eyes. That whole day passed as if it was just waiting to end. And finally the evening came. I left from office early to get ready for my dinner date. We were supposed to go to a formal restaurant for a formal sit down dinner. Bang.... formal and me.... NOT HAPPENING... But she wanted to go for a formal dinner. How could i say no to her.. Anyways i decided to wear my best suit for the occassion. It was nothing more than a celebration for me. And then i saw her waiting for me in the lobby of her building for me. She was wearing a cream coloured gown and me a black coloured suit. I think together we looked like a just married couple. Was this the shape of things to come ?? I wonder.

Confused.(Part 1)

Ever been in love ? Thats the question i am asked very often. I guess people presume that i am not someone who falls in love or believes in love. I do. And have fallen in love too and been hurt too. But thats for some other time. Right now its confusion, confusion and more confusion. Simply put, two women, i like them both, both like me, can marry only one. The big question is who ?
I have been taking the bus to office since i broke my foot. Takes about an hour more than the rail. Guess i have the Mumbai traffic to thank for my "budding love story". One day as usual i took my regular 9.30 am bus to churchgate. Nothing special. Everything was the same. The same ticket vendor, the same bus driver, even the passengers were the same, except for her. Thats the first time i saw her. Her long copper coloured hair falling over her face, slightly messed up. And as she cleared the hair from her face i thought that lightning struck me down. I was just glued to where i was standing. That was the most beautiful face i had seen in my life. And the way she was trying to set her hair in order was aboslutely the most amazing thing i had seen. She had the face of an angel. Almond shaped eyes, heart shaped lips, perfect nose. God she was perfect and i was in love. Summoning up all the courage that i had i went and sat on the empty seat beside her. Sitting down i smiled. Such a pretty girl sitting alone. Seemed like even the gods were on my side. And then the magic happened. The smile that i had given the gods was seen by her. And she thought i was smiling at her. And then, she smiled back. I swear i could have died then. The most angelic smile i had ever seen. That smile was good enough to make me believe in god again. But that was it. For the next 10 minutes nuthing happened. She was looking out of the window and i was fidgeting with my novel, my ipod and everything that i could get. I wanted to talk to her but how does one talk to you an angel ? I thought of everything but still couldnt muster up courage to talk. I was in love and dumbstruck.
Finally after 15 mins SHE asked if she could see the book i was holding, it seemed interesting. That was just the oppurtunity i needed. We started talking about books and then the conversation changed tracks to other stuff and finally personal details. Her name was Veena. A bit old fashioned but it was good. After sometime i really came into my own and was jabbering away to glory, keeping her thoroughly entertained. When she was started laughing and hitting me on my arm i knew i was in.. Half n hour later we were talking and laughing as if we were long lost friends. After one and half hour of this finally the dreaded moment came when she had to get off at her destination. Mine was still further away. I was still nervous about how will i ask for her number. Finally her stop approached and i knew it was now or never. But again to my surprise she asked for my phone and dialled her number and asked me to give her a call later in evening. Phew... what a relief..

New Day.

Funny how things can change, sometimes in moments. Someone has rightly said, after every dark night is a bright day. After every rain is a day of glorius sunshine. Few hours ago i was depressed, talking about death and going away. Leaving all these beautiful things behind. Right now as i sit and write this those thoughts dont even come within 10 mile radius of me. Right now i want to go out and take on the whole world. I am ready for a fight and whoop anybodys arse who stands in my way. What happened between then and now ? God knows and who cares.... i love this feeling and want it to stay forever. I am living this moment and living it on a high.
But i also know that after this high will be low again. Isnt that the way this is supposed to be ? A series of highs and lows, ups and downs, success and faliure..... and then a calm. As if the all the high and low tides have stood still. The stillness portrays a sense of calm but the reality is far from it. The stillness is just that, a stillness, no movement what so ever.. No ups, no downs, no highs , no lows and definitely no success or failures..
I know the day i lie still, everything else will cease to exist for me. There wont be any failure, any down point or any low. But do i want to be still ? No, i wanna live. Wanna succeed, wanna fail, wanna hit the highs and the lows. I want to see the sunshine of tomorrow and i will. Will wake up to experience a glorius new day and bigger dreams...

Me.

I was never like this. i was always someone who cared. cared about people more than i cared about myself. I never thought twice about doing something for someone or lending a helping hand to someone. i was someone who always had a smile on my face, a kind word on my lips for everyone. didnt matter if i knew the person or no. I loved to joke, play pranks loved to have a hearty laugh.
But its not the same anymore. I dont laugh, dont even smile. I might help someone in distress but it doesnt give me the happiness it used to. Somebody smiles at me and i dont know how to react anymore. Sure i smile back but it takes a hell lot of effort for me to smile and i dont know whether i want to put in that effort anymore. I used to feel like a winner. Now i dont wanna play. Still not scared of losing (afterall what can a man who doesnt have anything lose) just dont know if i have the strength to play this game called life anymore. I am sitting online now. Friends, acquaitances and everybody keep sending IM's asking me to hangout with them, party with them. Live with them. But do i want to live ??? I dont know. Maybe i dont want to. Maybe the only way all this pain, misery and hurt will go away if i go away. but i am too scared to let all of this go away coz i want to live. I have dreams. Dreams of a better day, a better life a better me. If i go then all of those will also cease to exist. But those dreams are too beautiful to just let go. Is this weakness ? I used to think that my biggest strength was the power to dream. was i wrong ? i hope not. I always believed ( and still do) that the person who doesnt have any dreams is as good as dead. I dont wanna die. I cant be dead. Theres too much to lose in dying. I have a lifetime ahead of me filled with love, happiness and freedom. A life without dreams is incomplete. and i dont wanna live an incomplete life. I wanna dream and i want a chance to make my dreams come true. so please let me live, let me dream and let me fly. I promise no matter how high i fly i will always come back to the ground.

Zindagi... jisne mujhe hasna sikhaaya, rona sikhaaya
Ladna sikhaaya, aur ladkar jeetna sikhaaya,
Kabhi bahut hasaya, toh kabhi hadd se zaada rulaaya,
Par kabhi isne yeh nahi sikhaaya,
ke khud se kaise lada jaaye,
aur ladkar khud se kaise jeeta jaaye.
Kambakth zindagi ne humein kamzor banaya..
aaj ehsaas hua iss kamzori ka
jab saamna hua khud se khudi ka
naa kuch keh sake naa kuch kar sake
yeh muqabla tha hamara aur khudi ka
khudi ne na poochi humse raza hamari
shayad yeh thi ab saza hamari
jeene ke armaan dil mein dabaye
hum chal diye apna sar jhukaaye
na ladne ki takat na kuch bolne ka hausla
yeh hi tha muqabla hamara aur khudi ka...