Demolition & Resurrection.

Flashback to year 1992. I was in school and she was my classmate. She was the topper of the class and I barely managed to clear my exams. She was the first bencher and I the last bencher. She was the teacher’s favourite and I did not even exist. Her favourite activity was solving math problems and mine was coming up with new ways to disrupt class. We were the complete opposites of each other. We couldn’t see eye to eye on topics like behavior in class, clean uniforms, homework and least of all discipline. But she also was the woman for me. I loved her and she loved me too. We were the “beauty and the beast” of the school. The princess and the ogre. We were as different as chalk and cheese. But yet we were together. We were happy. Content. Life couldn’t have been better for Two 14 year old kids in love. I still don’t know what she saw in me though. She always said that behind every prank lies a very intelligent brain. And she was determined to get mine on the “right” track. Cute naa... but like all good things even this had to end. And it did. In the summer of 1996 she left me for my best friend who ironically was introduced to her by me. After 4 long years the dream ended and the nightmare began. Suddenly life took a U turn. Fizzy drinks were replaced by alcohol. Smile turned into frown. Tears dried up, even the happy ones. Friends who tried to talk sense into my head were shown the door and not politely. Alcohol and drugs were my new best friends. And then something happened. A new phase began. Phase in which there was alcohol, drugs and sex galore. Women, once revered and respected were treated with utter disdain. They were played with, slept with and dumped. Sometimes mercilessly. The cute and sweet boy was replaced with the bad playboy. The demolition of me was complete.
But as they say after demolition comes resurrection. And it did come. It came in the year 2002 in the form of yet another woman. My reputation as a bad boy was growing with every passing day and yet somehow it didn’t seem to matter to her. or atleast that’s what it seemed then. We started meeting everyday. Initially she was No. 51 for me. The bad boy in me was just interested in getting her to bed. That was always the criteria with every woman for me. But something was different here. Seemed as if there was a divine power which was holding me back. I know she wouldn’t have stopped me but strangely enough I was stopping myself. Why? After all these years I still ponder over that question. What was it about her that I did not want to sleep with her but take her in my arms and hold her for eternity? Why did I want to protect her from all the world? Agreed she was the sweetest woman I had come across in a long time but so what? Aren’t sweet and cute girls meant to be played around with? It wasn’t as if I was a saint. Infact far from it. I was the Satan reincarnated. Nothing should have stopped me but something did. What did, I shall never know. But I remember very clearly, slowly but steadily I was thawing. The layers were coming off slowly. First the drugs and then the alcohol went away. And finally the women also. The smile was coming back too. I started enjoying music again. The friends who were deserted were bought back. My apologies were accepted. I started to live again. The good boy was coming out of hibernation. The resurrection if not complete had begun.
And then when she finally professed her love for me the resurrection was complete. The good boy was back and how. I was stronger than ever. I had more faith than ever. I loved more than before. And I was honest again. A trait that I loved about myself and missed terribly during the satanic phase.
And then the dream ended. They say what goes around comes around. It did. I was dumped mercilessly once more. Seems like I was paying the price for all my misdeeds with the various women who entered my life before her. I was again left in the middle of the sea without a shore in sight. All my strength was taken away in an instant. The faith was shattered. And this time around the pain was worse than before. I wanted to kill myself. But I lived. Why? I don’t know. Then began the entire process of demolition once again. Drugs came back as did the booze. And women followed. I knew what I was doing was wrong. But what do you do when you have nothing or no one to turn to. I had put everything I had in this relationship and when it ended it felt like being stark naked in the middle of the highway. So I put on the layers again. Druggie, alcoholic, womanizer and “the man who doesn’t care a fuck” were the layers that hid my nakedness in public. But when I was alone I was naked again. And when you are stripped to the soul you are vulnerable. And that isn’t such a nice thing when everybody was trying to hurt you. Yes, that’s what I thought that everybody including my friends and family were against me. So the distancing process began again.
The demolition man was at it again….. But I was determined not to let him destroy me like he did the last time. So after a sorry and solitary period of one month I was determined to make amends. Apologies were made and were accepted yet again. Sure the sun seemed hot instead of warm, colors seemed a little faded and music seemed like noise but the layers of drugs and sex were being discarded and a mask of happiness and playfulness was put on instead. But again the mask seemed to come of when ever I was alone and the scars showed. And they hurt. And I think once or twice the mask slipped in front of the people who loved me, my parents and my friends. I couldn’t let them see the scars of being rejected yet again. Some thing had to give way and it did.
I was tired. Tired of putting up a brave front. Tired of lying to everyone about my well being. I was hurt and I was in pain. And I couldn’t handle it alone by myself. I needed someone, someone who wouldn’t ask questions to which I did not have any answers. Someone who knew that I was weak. I needed a friend. So I asked for one. And lo behold she was there. It seemed as if everything was alright again. She was there when I needed her. I remember it was the month of September 2006 and it seemed like the most beautiful time of year. The gorgeous smell of wet earth was all around. Flowers were blooming again. And romance was definitely in the air. Everything seemed perfect. I had told her about everything that I did and she told me of her dreams. We talked. Held hands. We spent time with each other. It seemed perfect. I was starting to be happy again. We found our happiness in the smallest of things. This time there was no greed for time. I was content with a few moments with her. There was a visible change in me. The playboy was replaced with a flirt who made people laugh all the time. I used to be the joker of the pack and I was back as that. The winter of 2006 and the summer of 2007 have to be one of the happiest periods of my life. I shall always cherish them and look back at them fondly. But behind this cheerfulness and happiness was also a strict resolve. A resolve to hold firm. A resolve to not fail. And a steely determination to make this last. I had learnt from my past mistakes and I wasn’t going to repeat them. I promised myself that the pain of separation would not touch my life ever again. Was I asking for too much?
Seemed so. Coz it happened. The joy of togetherness was short lived. Come winter and the cracks began to appear. Lies began to rear their ugly head. Promises turned out to be empty. Trust was being betrayed. Insecurity was creeping in once again. Time meant for each other was spent with acquaintances. Ego started creeping in. I became important than “US”. The relationship that used to be the top priority started feeling like a burden. We started fighting. Not arguments but real fights. Tears were shed but they did not make any difference. We were heading towards separation and in spite of knowing it we did not do anything to avoid it. Today when I look back at it I wonder if a little bit of patience or understanding from either of us could have saved the relationship. I have always believed in taking the best shot at everything in life but I don’t know if I played my best shot in this case. And how could things be different? All these answers shall remain unknown now. The list of unknowns just keeps growing, doesn’t it?
The list did not end with my relationship. Infact a whole new page was being scripted as the end of the relationship drew nearer. I was expecting pain again. I was expecting to break down yet again, to hurt, to cry and to bleed. But miraculously that never came. The pain lasted only for a brief moments. The loneliness did not bother me. My heart bled but the bleeding stopped before it could coz the weakness. This wasn’t usual. There was something wrong with me. I don’t feel the pain, the hurt, the sting or the loss. And neither do I feel the love around me. Rains don’t give me the joy anymore. Flowers aren’t beautiful anymore. Music once an integral part of my life has been reduced to a way of killing time. Something had died. Something important. Something that appreciated the good things in life and wasn’t materialistic. Something that lived and breathed. That something was me. Yes, I died. Agreed I still walk around in flesh and blood. But is that the only sign of life? Isn’t life much more than just breathing?
Why doesn’t it hurt today? How can I get over my pain so easily? The pain that gave me sleepless nights actually seduces me today. Am I turning into a sadist who revels in pain? A person who enjoys pain rather than happiness. I was determined not to let anything destroy me again. So I steeled myself from everything that could make me vulnerable. I did not let anything affect me. But wasn’t this a form of destruction too? I destroyed the very thing that I set out to protect. My destruction that began in the year of 1996 was finally complete in the year of 2007. But as they say, AFTER DESTRUCTION COMES RESURRECTION. Throw your meanest challenge. I am ready to be destroyed again only to be resurrected again.
LIFE… HERE I COME ONCE AGAIN… Bring it on…