Trying to bid adieu.

Heard a song some time ago which is so true in my context. The lines were:
Baatein bhool jaati hain,
Yaadein yaad aati hain,
Yeh yaadein kisi dil-o-jaanam ke,
Chale jaane ke baad aati hain…..

Strange are the ways of this mind. I had decided that tonight when I start to write I will start on a new journey altogether. My first fictional post. But as I started typing instead of the STORY out came the reality. The stark reality of my life. Why? Well, same ole same ole... Memories.
Life was going on at its nice steady way until today. Today morning, when the floodgates opened and memories just rushed in. Why? Dunno. But what I know is they hurt. They cause pain and they bring tears and dull the otherwise “shining eyes”. Shining eyes, oh yes these eyes did shine sometime. They weren’t always these dull and sad. My best friend of forever always used to tell me that whenever I spoke of her she saw a sparkle in my eye. And it was true. I remember I used to be so happy whenever I spoke of her. And I still feel happy thinking about her. But even that happiness comes at a price. With every happy memory is linked a memory that hurts. For every smile there is a tear. For every grin there is a frown. And now I refuse to pay that price. I don’t want to cry after a smile. Don’t want to wake up with a nightmare after the dream. Friends think that i just torture myself by going through all of this every now and then. So i have finally decided not to torture myself again n again.
But how? How do I rid myself of these demons that still haunt me after all these years? And why? Why do these memories come back every now and again? How does the torture end ? Is it so difficult to bury the ghosts of the past? Every time I lie on the bed I think of the moments spent with her on that bed. The mad moments, the crazy ones, the ones where we did not say even a word to each other but yet felt like a story of lifetime had passed between us. Every time I drive I think of a drive we took together. When for the first time she smoked a cigarette in front of me. That was so damned cute. Every time I pour myself a drink I remember the evening when she came to my place and gulped down my vodka bottoms up coz she was “so annoyed”. And how can I forget the crazy “me on the terrace, she in her balcony” rendezvous. Dunno how many gifts have been given to her like that and how many conversations filled with insanity have happened like that. That was life. Now I hate going on the terrace. I hate everything that reminds me of her. But the fact remains that whatever I do reminds me of her. Even writing, something that I used to do even before her, brings back memories of her. After all wasn’t she the one who urged me to start writing again? I still remember the first time I picked up a pen (that time blogging was still alien to me) after ages and wrote my first few lines of “fiction”. It was the shabbiest piece of writing I could have come up with but still she thought that I wrote like an accomplished writer. So to a large extent if anyone deserves credit for these posts, it’s her. Had she not encouraged me to keep writing back then I don’t think I would have touched a pen and paper or the computer again. So in a way I owe her a lot.
But again, till date, whenever I sit to write be it these posts or the story (started working on it simultaneously) it brings back the memories and the pain. Which brings me back to the same ole question, how do I rid myself of these memories? Honest to goodness I have tried everything possible. Thrown away or discarded everything that she ever gave me (well, almost everything). Tried going out with other women as well. Even tried to get into a serious relationship. God dammit I even deleted all my favourite music coz even she liked it. But nothing works. And after everything failed I tried my last shot. I immersed myself so much into work that I just don’t have the time for anything else. No time for memories, no time for pain. Well, it works but only till the time I am working. But once I hit the sack memories come rushing back. What do I do now? Is there no respite for the good ole me? What have I done to deserve this? Is loving somebody a crime for which the punishment is life like journey through hell and back everyday?
I tried talking to her also and told her my situation. She thinks that I just need her or I am just used to her. Is this love or is this need or am I just used to her? Has to be love only, coz I am sure I don’t need anybody, can’t need anybody like this. And I am bloody well not used to her coz I am going through with my routine life quite nicely. That too without her. I don’t deny the fact that most of my nights are spent thinking of her. The “sleeping beauty” of the house has been replaced by the zombie who functions on 2 hours of sleep everyday. But other than that life has slowly but surely gotten back on track. Except for the memories (ok, don’t strangle me now for coming back on the same track. After all wasn’t that the purpose of this post), it hurts when they come back. Work goes for a toss. Social commitments are forgotten. Friends are forgotten. 2 hours of sleep are replaced by 2 weeks of insomnia which again result in more memories and hence more tears. Sometimes I wish that I just keep crying till there are no more tears left (is that possible). Sometimes I feel like going for a long walk to the land of no return. But something tells me that these bloody memories will haunt me there also.
As I was reminded sometime ago:
Baatein bhool jaati hain,
Yaadein yaad aati hain,
Yeh yaadein kisi dil-o-jaanam ke,
Chale jaane ke baad aati hain…..
Till the next memory… Adios…..